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Kicking Astrology And Taking Names

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Jamaal Charles crosses the goal line for a touchdown in the Chiefs romp against the Jaguars. Photo by Sam Greenwood/Getty Images.
Jamaal Charles crosses the goal line for a touchdown in the Chiefs romp against the Jaguars. Photo by Sam Greenwood/Getty Images.

Depending on what day of the year you were born on, the soft-science that is astrology will dictate what types of personality traits you will supposedly have. Personally, I don’t find myself to be much the astrologer. However, when all else fails, why wouldn’t we turn to the stars for some advice? The Jaguars had a rough game on Sunday against the Kansas City Chiefs. The initial hope of the game after a blocked punt, resulting in a safety for the Jaguars (their first since a 2008 game against the Vikings) quickly dissipated as the Chiefs, with their new not-so-secret-weapon Alex Smith, proceeded to dominate the scoreboard. Now logic would tell us that from a strictly analytical standpoint the Chiefs just plain outplayed the Jaguars; they were the better team on this particular day. But perhaps, since all else seems to be failing for the Jags, its time to put the old fashioned game analysis aside and start looking to the stars for some advice!

Although I don’t typically buy into astrology, it has a certain “what if?” factor to it. I recently read an article about astrology and sports betting. The author suggested that in order to predict the outcome of the game, to read up on the horoscopes of a few key players and head coach of each team and then weigh your options. Going into this game today, it could have gone either way. Both teams won only two games last year, making them the worst two teams in the NFL (Vegas had KC as the 3.5 point favorites), however lets look at the game from a strictly astrological perspective.

Here is the breakdown:  

Blaine Gabbert, QB of the Jaguars was born Oct. 15, 1989, this makes him a Libra. Here is his horoscope as qutoed from horoscope.com:

“Something out of the ordinary may appeal to you, Libra, especially if life seems dull these days. Nothing says you can't indulge yourself as long as what you're considering isn't dangerous or something you'll regret. To bring some excitement into your life, just think through the means of attaining it. Perhaps all you need is to try a new sport or go out this evening."

Does it get any more painful than that? His horoscope literally suggested that he try a new sport. Poor Blaine, today was clearly not his day, he even managed to have a hand injury on his throwing arm late in the 4th quarter when he ran the ball for a menial yardage gain and ended up at the bottom of the dog pile. He would have probably had better results had he chosen to run a marathon instead of showing up at Everbank Field.

Back-up QB Chad Henne’s birthday is July 2,, 1985, making him a Cancer. His horoscope read as follows:

“Don't delude yourself, Cancer. While it can be a real temptation to see what you want to see, there's danger in doing so. A pipe dream can only last so long. It's never permanent! Rather than playing this kind of trick on yourself, take off the blinders and face what's before you. Even if it hurts, it will likely be far less painful now than later."

Yikes, another painful reminder that Chad Henne is most likely never going to be the starting QB of a winning NFL franchise (or any NFL franchise for that matter), If you can’t start for the Jaguars, I don’t know where else you could go. It seems that whether it was Gabbert or Henne that played today, either way they were not going to have a QB in whose stars were alligned for a win.

Maurice Jones Drew, who was almost a non-existent guest at the party only rushed for 45 yards in his 15 carries today. Jones Drew was born March 23, 1985, he is a Gemini.

“It might be time to face a recent failure, Gemini. No one is exempt from disappointment, of not succeeding at something. It's part of reaching a goal, no matter who you are or what you've done in the past. Even the most accomplished people have had to face this. You aren't alone in your feelings. Give it another shot. Things will work out."

Alright, alright, we get it. Maurice Jones-Drew was completely missing in action today. Being one of the only star players on the Jaguars puts a lot of pressure on him to perform and today he just didn’t. You know what? That’s okay! We all have bad days and everybody will forgive and forget and move on. If this horoscope tells us anything it’s that next week should be better for Jones-Drew and for those who have him on their fantasy rosters.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch ... Alex Smith, formerly a 49er, now the chief of Chiefs seemed to have a great first game with a team that had a downright terrible season last year. Alex’s birthday is May 4, 1984. This makes him a Taurus. His Sunday horoscope read:

“Consider talking with a good friend today, Taurus. Don't let your pride get in the way of getting the support and help you need. If you've made a mistake or fear you've done something wrong, don't walk around with guilt. Sit down with a confidante over a cup of coffee and share what's happening. Remember that everyone ends up in positions like this at some time."

Smith has always has shown nothing but poise and composure both on and off the field through the whole debacle and departure with the 49ers. By Smith allowing himself to play for a lower profile team with a less than stellar record last year, he is now putting himself in a position to redefine himself mid-career and potentially have a big part in taking the Chiefs franchise out of the doldrums of the NFL.  Smith alone can’t win every game for Kansas City, but it seems that today he was able to follow what the stars had planned for him and as a result the help and support of his teammates was there, thusly resulting in a blowout 28-2 victory for them. He threw for 173 yards and 2 touchdowns.

Jamaal Charles, RB of the Chiefs had a pretty good day despite taking a hit that had him temporarily on the sidelines. Charles was born Dec. 27, 1986. His star sign is Capricorn.

“Take care of yourself if you feel tired, Capricorn. There's no shame in slowing down or taking a day off if it's needed. If you can spend a day in bed, go for it. This can be more restorative than you know. If some things must get done, delegate or work on a laptop in bed. Take heed when your body tells you it's had enough. Give yourself the rest you need."

While Charles saw a lot of action today he remained aware of his body telling him to take a quick breather after a hard hit. Hey, they were up anyway, he earned the break. Maybe tomorrow he should go get a pedicure.

Next week the Jaguars will face off against the Raiders, who are also notoriously not good. The Vegas odds aren’t out yet, but I’m guessing that the Raiders will be the favorite to win. For the sake of fun, let’s weigh the horoscopes for both teams head coaches.

Gus Bradley, rookie head coach of Jacksonville was born on July 5, 1966, making him a Cancer. His horoscope for the week reads as follows:

“Jupiter continues its journey through Cancer, while Mars has recently moved into creative Leo. The Sun and Mercury are currently in Virgo with a New Moon showing up this week, making this a good time for a fresh start, especially with work efforts or health issues. Venus in Libra encourages harmony and diplomacy, while a lovely link between the Sun and Jupiter can be excellent for social occasions, taking a small risk, and generally expanding your options. Saturn continues its forward motion through Scorpio, while Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto continue retrograde."

I really don’t know what the rest of that crap means, but the fact that this week appears to be a good time for a fresh start at work means that perhaps Bradley will be able to help his Jags put today’s loss behind them and move forward with some of that contagious Bradley optimism; which is just what the team and their fans could use right now.

Dennis Allen, Raiders head coach was born September 22, 1972. Allen is a Virgo, here is his horoscope for next week!

“Enjoy the Virgo New Moon this week - it may be the best one of the year for you. It's a good time to write down your goals for the weeks and months ahead. You might be surprised by how much you achieve with this simple action and without too much effort. This can be a good time to express yourself and put your stamp of individuality on your plans. Your social life continues to thrive, so keep up the networking habit for future success”.

Well, I am just not sure what to think. It appears that Allen’s horoscope for the week appears to look pretty good going into week 2. Oakland lost their first game to the Colts, 21-17, but they definitely showed up to play and didn’t let the game get away from them.

In any game any team could win, which is what keeps all of us spectators, fans, writers, bettors, etc. on the edge of our seats. Keeping up with the NFL is one thing, but keeping up with the horoscopes of each and every key player and head coach is another thing entirely! While this does add an interesting layer of game analysis, it also smells a little too much like incense for me but that doesn’t necessarily mean I am ready to discard astrological analytics and speculations entirely. Who knows, maybe I am just on the verge of unlocking the secret.