Do Gunners Fans Really Want to go Back to The Days of 'Boring Arsenal?'
With apologies to Neil Warnock and respect to other Arsenal fans, is this what you disaffected Gooners really want?...
Rebecca Lowe: So Arsenal get another victory in this astonishing 2016/17 season. We’ve had Arsene Wenger’s ‘Invincibles’ in 2003-04 and now we have new Gunners manager Neil Warnock’s ‘Unbeatables.’ It really is quite astonishing, don’t you think, Robbie?
Robbie: Which Robbie one do you mean, Rebecca?
Rebecca: Either one, Robbie, you both say the same things and had similar, unspectacular careers.
Robbie: Well, I’ll take this one if you don’t mind, Robbie.
Robbie: Go ahead, the Robbie that played for Wimbledon.
Robbie: I quite agree, Robbie from Middlesborough.
Robbie: It’s really quite remarkable what Neil Warnock has done for this football club, Rebecca. This football club is unbeaten in 25 games. Fifteen 1-0 wins, ten 0-0 draws. Quite remarkable for this football club.
Robbie: I agree. Quite remarkable. It reminds me of those good old days when I played for the Dons. Didn’t really need to do a thing as a midfielder. I still have a bad neck from watching the ball fly back and forth over my head.
Robbie: I quite agree, Robbie. Warnock really has put some Championship Sheffield steel in those pansy North Londoners. Is it okay to say ‘pansies’ in America, Rebecca?
Rebecca: I’ll check with Kyle in the break. It’ll be good to give him something to do. He’s thinking of changing his name to Robbie….Oh, sorry to interrupt this fascinating chat Robbies, but we’ve got Neil Warnock’s post-match press conference from the Emirates. Over to Sky News in London.
Sky: You must be a very happy man this evening, Neil. Just one point separates Arsenal and Premier League leaders West Ham (Sorry, couldn’t resist it!!) You’re in the League Cup Final against Chelsea on Sunday, the semi-final of the FA Cup by winning every game on penalties following 0-0 draws, and you have yet to drop a single point in the Champions League, all without scoring more than one goal in a match. What are your thoughts?
Neil: Well, Sky, I’m absolutely bowled over for the guys. They’ve done everything I could have asked of them and more. Sanchez has been a revelation as the deep lying player in my seven-man defensive midfield diamond. Last week against Bournemouth I had to have a stern word with him for twice venturing over the halfway line. Today he stayed put and done tremendous.
Sky: You have come under some criticism from @piersmorgan and others for not playing a forward in any games at all this season. What do you say to the naysayers?
Neil: I say look at the results. That’s what counts in this league. Arsene’s team could play some pretty football but where did that get them other than the three league titles, the five FA Cups and the five community shields? Okay, so he had an average of 1.84 goals a game while he was here – but where did that get him, Sky? Where did that get him?
Sky: Barcelona, actually, Neil. Since he moved to Spain at the start of the season they have won every game by at least five goals.
Neil: Ah yes, but that’s not here, is it. This is the toughest league in the world. The loss to Monaco at home last year in the Champions League was the final straw for that team.
Sky: How would you describe your tactics in today’s game against Spurs?
Neil: Simple. It’s a simple game, actually Sky, when you get down to it. I let Oxlade Chamberlain and the lad Walcott run up the field for the first 15 minutes and try and snatch a goal and then we shut up shop. In this case, Walcott ran onto a fine through ball from our keeper to score so we guaranteed the three points. If no goal is forthcoming in the first 15 minutes we shut up shop anyway, just to be sure.
Sky: Does that explain why the crowd at the Emirates tends to leave at half time these days? In fact, a lot of people today were leaving before half time to miss the rush.
Neil: I hate to criticize these fans who have been waiting so long for this kind of success but they are missing out on some good old-fashioned English stout defending. There’s none of that tip-tap stuff here any more. I learned at Leeds, Palace and Sheffield United that can be suicidal.
Sky: You’re known in football as a straight-talking kind of bloke. Where do you think Arsene went wrong?
Neil: He tried to play a too attractive brand of football. He just wasn’t realistic and thought that bright, attacking, fast-moving play would bring him the kind of success he managed in his early years and that’s just not the case any more.
Sky: What do you say to critics who are again calling the team “boring, boring Arsenal?”
Neil: Well at least we’re winning.