Fake Eric Cantona

Open Letter To Man Utd: My Demands As Future Manager

Created on Apr. 22, 2014 10:56 AM EST

Dear Glazer family, Chairman Woodward, and Mr. Arnold:

You are no doubt considering the many potential, and overpriced frankly, punching bags with with to pin the failures of the club next season. There is Louis Van Gaal, who will delight Chelsea fans with his ridiculous war of words with Mourinho. There's Jurgen Klopp, who has stated that he's not leaving Dortmund. There's Diego Simeone, who has a team in the CL now, and that team has qualified for next season with weeks left on the table.  Basically these are options that won't work. 

But I will work. I have a plan. A plan that will be marketable and will help increase the share price of the club, to the pleasure of fans and investors alike.

If I am appointed mother of dragons, I would purchase the best two center backs on the market, and Leighton Baines at left back. I would move for Subotic, Godin, and Vertonghen - they are all young enough to bring value for years. Koscielny is another option, but I don't feel he has discipline to justify his hype. Watched him play too much to buy into the bulldoodoo. Mats Hummels is too expensive and Germans in their prime typically stay local for national team selection. Moreover, there is a problem in that all these options are on teams that may well have European tournaments next year. 

I would make moves for players from South America like Eugenio Mena, Eder Balanta, Guido Pizarro, and then maybe go into the bidding for Angel Correa as the big forward signing. This is because Manchester United is working for a CL place, not to win the CL in 2015. Rooney and RVP can develop Angel Correa. RVP, for all his faults, is a good role model for strikers with his work ethic and skill level. 

I would consider young players like Lucas Digne from PSG, who was only given 12 appearances in the past season. At age 20, he was one of the hottest defender prospects in Europe last summer. PSG only has him on board for depth, and would possibly consider his sale to balance books. As it stands, PSG has Thiago Silva and Marquinhos already.

Another possibility would be to sign Simon Kjaer. Kjaer struggled at Roma in a trial by fire with Czech manager Zdenek Zeman running a 2-4-4 total offense formation. But at Lille he has returned to form. He no longer appears a deer in the headlights. He's young, and will develop much more with the right partnership. 

And finally, Manchester United should do what it can to ply Dejan Lovren from Southampton. Yes, the Saints have Luke Shaw, and everyone wants him. But the lynchpin behind Southampton's remarkable run in the early season was a healthy Lovren. He's the best player on that defensive line, and if mountains are moved for anyone, they should be moved for him.

That would be the backbone of the team that will stop the opponents from scoring. And if the opponents don't score at all, the worst that will happen is you walk away with a point from a draw. 

Hell, pay me the wages of a beach soccer manager. I will do a better job than Ryan Giggs. For the record, what are the odds that Giggs sabotages his own locker room now that he's the manager?