Football.com - everything football

NFL Field Guide: Game of Helmets Edition

by TJ Hatter
May 08, 2014 9:31 AM EDT



Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of all Ages: It's Draft Day Christmas! I am not among those who populate this website who admire this day to an admitted psychotic extent, but I do enjoy it and am quite interested in how this reality show we're all following, Game of Helmets, will progress.

I want to know where a number of the key characters will land, but I also understand that, as this is Game of Helmets there is a certain part of it that is a Meat Market. By the way, the other Meat Market remains the better show. The NFL and Victoria's Secret are, without question, the most brilliantly marketed products out there. For further research, those involved may enjoy the following:

But I digress.

This offseason has been long and more brutal than typical because the NFL is showing off by beating the hell out of actual playoff games with ratings of the Draft. I have a modest proposal that would allow the Draft to happen in April, yet still allow the NFL to grab some more ratings in the spring. The NFL, hasn't yet consented to the perfectly reasonable idea of a Spring Game to satiate a fanbase that wants a Premier League-type relationship with the sport. But I humbly suggest to those who'll be at the table that, in the course of the next labor negotation, a Spring Game is used to shorten the Summer Pre-Season schlock. 

That aside, this year, this offseason, we've hit Peak Draft so: congratulations, everyone!

Onward.

Half-Watch

Anything regarding Quarterbacks

There hasn't been a more ridiculous dichotomy over the future of the QB class of a draft since we were trying to pick out fathers on Maury. Also, in the clip below, I'd recommend sticking with it till Andrew at 3:00. He's legendarily not the father.

When it comes to the quarterback analysis in this year's class, it has the same feel as one of those Maury episodes: Nobody knows what the hell they're talking about and nobody is classy is about it.

Anyway, the reason these clips are relevant are:

1) A cruel hilarity, similar to watching someone who came in entitled falling farther than they hoped

2) Now that I've got the ability to post videos like this on the site, I'm abusing that ability like a chimpanzee that can escape its cage and go to a pub 

3) Without question, NFL general managers will be putting their heads down in shame for drafting some of these quarterbacks, in the same way these women hung their heads in shame. Lots of the prospects will be pleased to be disassociated with a failed organization and try to get a new lease on life, but none will be as happy about it as Andrew. So look out for moments that you and I know are destined for shame. For shorthand: Raiders, Jaguars and Browns are all reliably horrible at QB acquisition and development. So, game on.

Hate-Watch

Those teams that clearly know what they're doing.

It's just obnoxious. I know I'm supposed to admire excellence but the fact that every time the New England Patriots call out a name I have the pavlovian reaction of checking my wallet does not engender admiration. It cultivates envy and makes me wonder what deal with Satan they accepted that other teams did not.

No team is exempt from a bad draft. But teams like the Giants, Steelers, Patriots, Packers and now the Seattle Seahawks seem like every year they're shrewdly taking away the candy of toddlers. Then they go someplace and laugh. It's the work of a supreme salesman like this:

As irritating as that happens to be for those that aren't fans of any of those teams, it is absolutely something to watch. You can use it for Hate-Watch purposes but you can also use it for instructional purposes: How does your team steal that slick kid in the organization that knows what their doing? Something to ponder.

Also, Hate-Watch every single prognostication that the people who get paid lots of money to fill air time about the draft make. They are, as is pointed out here, often wrong. They also make more money than you do to do a job you'd really like. Feel that anger? Thus, the point of a solid Hate-Watch.

HAVE-TO-WATCH

Game of Helmets

Where is Sir Johnny of Football landing? Where will Jadeveon Clowney get to enjoy having his effort questioned? Where will Michael Sam be headed in the pursuit of tolerance? At this point, we've all invested enough time and mental capacity to these questions to deserve a really good payoff. Let this special episode be as emotionally satisfying as a season finale of Mad Men.

Now, these storylines will continue after this process ends. The reality show needs to keep going. But it's important to remember that this is all that happens to be. It's a fraud. A beautiful fraud and may I complement the people here at Football.com at being incredibly good at understanding it and analyzing it and completely owning me at "Draftology" on every level. Fairly soon I'm going to be filling out my Mock Draft here on the site and I'm completely convinced it will be absolutely terrible. If I can somehow sneak it past the safeguards our tech guys have put in place, I'm just going to have every team select Johnny Football. That guarantees I'm right at least once, unless he falls until the second round, which is as likely as anything at this point. There is so much smoke in the smoke-filled room this offseason, largely due to the extra time, that anything feels possible.

Because of the uncertainty, this has the prospect of being one of the more entertaining drafts in quite some time. So for now, we'll all be happy with that. All we get for now is Game of Helmets. We've been treated to potential spoilers and gossip, but soon we'll get to see the show itself. Finally, we'll get answers to questions we've been convinced must be answered. We'll be satisfied with them for a few days. But not for much longer. That's how intelligent the NFL folks are. They'll know we'll need to be fed again soon. Because the hunger for more Game of Helmets has yet to be satiated.

Random Aaron Sorkinism Of The Moment:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmuKGcgVaMU

Enjoy some quality NFL banter, everyone.