TJ Hatter

The Homer's Guide To The 2014 New Orleans Saints

Created on Aug. 14, 2014 9:47 AM EST

I used to think I could predict what America would like. I'd watch the TV show previews and would play the "over-under 6 episodes" game and have a pretty high degree of accuracy. But I now concede that my arrogance in thinking I knew what would work was broken, and it was broken by one show: The Big Bang Theory. Maybe it's the fact that I've lived outside the country and was spoiled by the BBC. Maybe it's the fact that I really don't watch network TV unless sports or an awards show is involved. But I'll be damned if I can figure out why a show about a dude with Asperger's and his friends that suffer through dealing with him — and an unrealistic scenario where a hot chick spends any time with them — captivates America. My thoughts on this are two fold:

  1. I don't know my country and its viewing habits as well as I thought.
  2. What the hell is wrong with you, America? 

When that show comes on, I feel a compulsive need to leave the room. It grates on me like a traffic jam. I feel like I have no escape, I hate where I am and I curse the circumstances that have forced me into this situation. "Oh TJ," you say to your laptop quietly, "if you actually watched, you'd like the show. You liked comic books as a kid, they like comic books, you just have to watch." I have watched. It's made me want to slam my head into a wall in the hope that I'd be concussed and black out and wake up after the marathon was over. That show is everywhere, like biblical locusts. For the love of all that is holy, syndication gods, please go back to putting "Cheers" and "Seinfeld" and "M*A*S*H" on when you have dead time. 

When I inevitably go to hell, part of my punishment will involve this show. 

Anyway, here's the latest column based of the brilliant Drew Magary "Why Your Team Sucks" gloriousness on Deadspin.


The Team:

The New Orleans Saints. Funny story about New Orleans: I was in "The City That Care Forgot" a few years ago for spring break with my buddy Adam. We were indulging at Pat O'Briens, where you should go immediately, and low and behold there were some lovely young ladies trying to get our attention. They succeeded and we had some laughs and were headed back to their hotel room. It was going to be a glorious evening. Then, while Adam's young lady was sitting on his lap, he made an incredibly stupid comment about her being heavy (note: she was not heavy and she was quite attractive), which then prompted the two of them to bail on both of us when I had been nothing but charming. The point of this story is that you're a terrible wingman, Adam.

2013 Record:

11-5. The best thing New Orleans did all year was win a playoff game outside in the cold. After losing to the Jets in New Jersey and being disemboweled by the Seahawks in Seattle, the meme that they couldn't play outside was real and it was unspectacular. If there was a serious takeaway from last season, it's that perhaps — just perhaps — these guys have figured out how to conquer the internal demons that turned them from Super Bowl contender to Half Hollow Hills High School East Junior Varsity whenever they were outside. If they've done that, then everyone else in the NFL better be on notice.

Your Coach:

Sean Payton. It should be crystal clear to Who Dat Nation how important this man is to your organization. The team that went 7-9 in 2012 was substantially similar to the 2013 team with one exception: it had Sean Payton in charge. The addition of human internet meme Rob Ryan as defensive coordinator made that unit professional and should keep New Orleans right in the playoff chase and potentially even further. 

Your Quarterback:

Drew Brees. There are five guys in the NFL who put you in automatic contention just by virtue of their existence. Mr. Brees is one of them, along with Brady, Manning, Rodgers and now Luck. Interesting to ponder: Has there been a better free-agent quarterback acquisition than Brees? You can argue Peyton Manning, perhaps, but right now I'd have to lean towards Brees. If you disagree, hit the comments section below and tell me how dumb I am. 

Why Your Homerism Might Be Legit:

You have a great quarterback, a great head coach and an emerging defense to complement a spectacular offense. Your homerisim is legit. You should be thinking about the Super Bowl. You should be hopeful that your team has figured out how to play outside and on the road after the win at Philly. You should be looking forward to this season of continued contention after decades of being irrelevant. You should feel great as you pound your drinks every Sunday about your team's chances. Runs like these are special. Enjoy all of it the way that only those spending time in New Orleans truly can. And make sure to have a better wingman than I did. 

Again, feel free to post comments supporting — or trolling — below. The Bataan Death March of Homerism continues tomorrow with the San Diego Chargers.

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