Steven Gerrard and the Field of Broken Dreams
I want to know who’s been advising Steven Gerrard? He arrived with his wife at LAX on Saturday wearing a beaming smile and a very unEnglish suntan, courtesy of a quick break in Ibiza (Doesn’t he know it’s sunny in California?).
No doubt he had a nice leisurely drive back along the 405 and Pacific Coast Highway to his $16.8 million mansion in Malibu, checking out the sparkling Pacific Ocean on his left and marveling at finally getting to live in spitting distance of the beaches from all those Baywatch re-runs he’d watched to prepare for his Great American Adventure.
He didn’t even need to sneak a look at all the bottle blondes on the beach – he brought his own in wife Alex Curran, who looks tailor made for LA.
But that’s all going to change on Monday.
Alex will presumably be off shopping for bikinis and schools for their three daughters.
And Gerrard will be left alone to navigate the LA traffic. In rush hour. With no Radio 4. Or even Radio 2. He’ll have to listen to KissFM and, much as my wife loves Ryan Seacrest, he’s no Alan Brazil.
The traffic that swept gaily along PCH on Saturday will creep along about as fast as Mario Balotelli covering back and the 405 from Santa Monica to LA Galaxy’s training ground at the StubHub Center in Carson is even slower. Think Rickie Lambert winding up for a shot on goal.
My question for his advisors is this this: what’s so great about Malibu?
They’ve got mudslides, paparazzi, surfers that always snake your waves, a single-lane, single road in-and-out highway and Barbra Streisand.
Beckham made a similar, although not quite so disastrous move, when he came to LA. He pitched up in Beverly Hills, which is also a fair slap to Carson. That’s what happens when you take advice from a mate like Tom Cruise. Becks is lucky he didn’t end up in Clearwater, Florida.
Clearly, the more sensible option is Orange County. We have beaches, too, and there are plenty of overpriced, luxury shops for Alex at South Coast Plaza. She can become a Real Housewife of Orange County.
\There’s the Ship in Santa Ana, the Harp in Costa Mesa and The Auld Dubliner in Tustin if he’s missing the boozers back home. Who needs the Kings Head in Santa Monica? It’s full of tourists.
If he fancies a bit of extra local flavor there’s always the “Dirty Bird” in Laguna Beach. He’d feel right at home.
Most importantly, The Field of Broken Dreams is herewith extending an official invitation to Steve Gerrard to come train with us on a Sunday morning before Alex and the girls are awake.
It would be the perfect opportunity to ease himself into The Great American Adventure.
He would have to stay out of the way of Nermin, our Croatian crusher, if he wants to avoid an early retirement and, frankly, one quick slip is all Ken needs to be through on goal.
The trademark Gerrard blaster into the top corner wouldn’t get past “Teflon” John in goal; a roller on the floor would probably work better as it’s tougher getting down when you’re the wrong side of 60.
But at least he wouldn’t have to worry about missing a penalty – we banned them because the keepers kept injuring their fingers. The only cards we give are for birthdays.
You might want to calm down on those big racking passes you’re known for because 1, we’re just not going to run that fast and 2, if you hit it too hard it’s going to fly over the fence and roll half the way to Arizona and we’re not always that flush with balls.
You won’t have to worry about kids running past you – they’re way too hung over to get up that early on Sunday morning.
Our pre-match regimes range from exercises resembling a cross between pilates and S&M. Most prefer kicking a ball to each other or, in some cases, just chatting.
You’re going to be a long way from home Steven and you’re not going to find your people in Malibu.
We’re waiting to welcome you with open arms to the OC.
Bring a white and a colored shirt and we’ll decide which side you’ll play on. You can wear red. But there may be some handicap involved. Like a blindfold.
(Just make sure you get to the Field of Broken Dreams before 6.45 am or you’ll have to play the second game!)