The Homer's Guide To The 2014 Dallas Cowboys

Created on Sept. 03, 2014 5:38 AM EST

I got her mom flowers. That was my genius idea. Now I'm stuck here looking at my email to see if they are being delivered the way a heroin addict looks at a dealer. I digress. This is my first rodeo with these columns, so I have no idea why we're running across the finish line with four of them in one day like we're children impressing a teacher. But we are and that's how it is, apparently.

So this is the first of four and I'm writing four of these in one day so they're not all gonna be even remotely interesting and I apologize in advance. At least there is actual football now. There is that. Oh, wait, that means I have to write a Field Guide too. That'll be fun.

As an FYI, I sent some things to a number of different young ladies I fancy. That's what I meant when I opened with the flowers. Some of the lovely young ladies got lovely messages and others got tangible goods. No idea if any of that was a good idea. So my mood will probably fluxuate as I'm told that things were delivered and people are happy or angry or, most likely, indifferent. Just an FYI. 

I'm done waiting on Magary to tell me who sucks, so I'm just writing as I write. First up, your Dallas Cowboys.


The Team:

The Dallas Cowboys. No this isn't like Groundhog Day and you're not in the process of killing yourselves in new and creative ways each season. That isn't true at all. Why on Earth would you think that? What miserable human being would even suggest that self-evident fact?

2013 Record:

8-8. As per the season, Charlie Brown is a horrible play director, Christmas Music annoyed the hell out of everyone and the Dallas Cowboys played their way out of the postseason, as per tradition. How do you people live like this? It's like Jerry Jones is Lucy and y'all are Charlie Brown. You will be in it, right to the end, but if you think the season will end with anything other than you on your backside with grass around you, there is something wrong with you.

Your Coach:

Jerry Jones. Jason Garrett isn't a totally replaceable straw man in an impossible position. Absolutely not and I am insulted by any insinuations to the contrary. How dare you suggest such a thing? (See Cowboys Fans Weeping Angrily Into Their Beer/Gun). By the way, can we talk about this coaching staff as a whole? Monte Kiffin has Hall of Fame credentials, but with both Dallas and USC his teams have been absolutely shredded due to his inability to scheme for the spread. He was born in 1940 and apparently can't learn that new trick. Also, you have Derek Dooley as your wide receivers coach. It's like the island of misfit toys.

Your Quarterback:

This is where I'm supposed to say nice things about Tony Romo. I can say this: He's Tony Romoed harder than anyone anticipated. No one has ever Tony Romoed the way Tony Romo has Tony Romoed. The dude looks like your next door neighbor who plays in weekend leagues and he's a baller NFL quarterback. I think we should create a new meme and make "Tony Romo" the shorthand for "Outkicked The Coverage" if for no other reason than it'll make Clay Travis money.

Why Your Homerism Might Be Legit:

I'll say this for Dallas: They're always interesting. That is not the case everywhere. By the time this series is done, I'll have written about every NFL team and it is often a task an a half to find something even remotely cool about some of these franchises. Dallas? I could totally half-ass this column (note: that's precisely what I'm doing!) and it'll still be alright because of how much this team dominates the conversation on it's own. It's like going on a date with a girl who really wants to impress you. Just shut up and let her shine. By the way, totally screwed the pooch on the stuff I've sent those young ladies. The regret is real.

Again, feel free to post comments supporting — or trolling — below. The death march of homerism continues with whatever NFC East team I feel like insulting.

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