The Homer's Guide To The 2014 Denver Broncos

Created on Aug. 20, 2014 5:44 AM EST

The season is looming. It is no longer an abstraction. Finally. How do I know that? Is it the reprehensibly early displays of delicious pumpkin spice beer that are overwhelming me when I just want to buy my fun summer beer? Partially. Is it the fact that preseason NFL football is dominating every sporting conversation on every sports channel? Partially. Is it that I’m tired of being sunburned every weekend and am looking forward to not sweating myself to sleep? Partially. 

What pushes the notice across the goal line? 

It’s fantasy football season, which is magical. Your relationship to your fantasy football team vs. your regular team is akin to a mistress and a spouse. You are programmed to root for your spouse. You have invested considerable time, energy, emotion and love into your spouse. Your mistress, like you’re Don Draper, changes every year. It’s someone you actively picked, someone new, rather than someone you were set up with somehow. Every week, you’re checking your phone like an addict in love. You brag about your mistress. You bitch about your wife. But every year, you know who your wife is and who you’re going home to. Your mistress changes every August. We’re in mistress-hunting season. That’s what makes it so exciting.

Are you alone tonight

So, about this Drew Magary-styled “Why Your Team Sucks” column.


The Team:

The Denver Broncos, who have been a fairly stable franchise and consistent winner ever since drafting John Elway. Frankly, you've had a great run as a franchise. Sure, losing in the Super Bowl isn’t fun, but getting to it certainly is, particularly when you’re lighting everyone up on the way there. You also have two trophies to cap the Elway era, and despite the blip that was Josh McDaniels, you really don’t have much to be embarrassed about. You even made the playoffs with Tim Tebow. Repeat, you made the playoffs with Tim Tebow. 

2013 Record:

13-3 with a Super Bowl appearance. Jesus did you light up the league last year. Every week you were worth watching, and that wasn’t true of virtually anyone else. Whether it be the points you scored, how you scored them or the schedule of fantastically TV-attractive games, we as a nation probably watched the Denver Broncos more than any squad that wasn't ‘our team’ or Redzone. That will probably be the case again this year. 

Your Coach:

Peyton Manning/John Fox. Having Manning on your team basically allows the head coach to focus on the defense and special teams and occasionally ask Peyton what he’s doing to prepare for the game until he tells you you’re pestering him. Seriously, Manning has an entire team of support staff to help him game plan during the season. It’s a support staff that rivals Kim Jong-Un. By the way, Fox has actually taken two franchises to the Super Bowl -- remember that Carolina Panthers team? -- and that’s not exactly easy to do

Your Quarterback:

Peyton Manning, the greatest regular-season quarterback of all time. We can debate, and Lord knows we will, over countless beers at countless bars across countless years who the greatest quarterback of all time happens to be. It’s fun to do, mostly because it’s an unanswerable proposition with all sorts of factors. What is clear, frankly, is that Manning during the regular season comes out ahead of everyone else. There are the stats and the winning percentage and the fact that his teams are always fun to watch and always in the hunt. How spoiled are you at quarterback? Visualize what Jets fans would do to have a quarterback this good. Yup, they’d let you do that to them. I am loath to suggest what Oakland Raiders and Cleveland Browns fans would let you do to them. Let’s just say that a hooker would refuse. 

Why Your Homerism Might Be Legit:

You have Peyton Manning and a billion offensive weapons, went out and chased down some good defensive players and are one of the favorites to win the Super Bowl. Your homerism is the most legit of any team we’ve covered thus far. You guys are going to be awesome again this year, provided you protect Peyton, so get on that, and we’ll get to debate how the team is going to do in the cold again like we’re Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day.” 

Again, feel free to post comments supporting — or trolling — below. The death march of homerism continues tomorrow with the St. Louis Rams. 

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