The Homer's Guide To The 2014 Houston Texans

Aug 07, 2014 5:20 AM EST

So yesterday was my birthday. At my current age (old as dirt and soon to be dead and beneath said dirt) I've found myself looking around the world and noticing things I hadn't bothered to notice before when I was in my 20s and my thought process was just a loop of where I had to be next and what attractive young women were in my life. One of those things is cyclists.

When I'm walking, I'll occasionally be upset with a car for being a jerk. When I'm driving, I'll occasionally be upset with a pedestrian for being a jerk. People on bikes are always, intentionally, infuriating. Bikes are filled with people who don't care about rules and yet have an arrogant entitlement to every inch of the area at the same time. I don't care that it's green, I don't care that it's healthy — you kale-eating, arrogant, Lance Armstrong wanna-be — you're screwing with the predominant amount of people trying to get to a destination we likely didn't want to get to to begin with (like work). How so many of you have the time to be in my freaking way as I'm trying not to be late I don't know. But just know that when I read in the paper about you being hit, I know it's almost always your fault, I know you'll have a lawyer suing and I'll surmise that is probably the reason you're riding along major roadways to being with.

Rant over.Time to continue my take on Drew Magary's "Why Your Team Sucks."

Onward.

The Team:

The Houston Texans.

2013 Record:

2-14. A hearty 2-14 at that. This was a team people picked for a Super Bowl run and went full-on dumpster fire and fast. Like the 2011 Indianapolis Colts who famously 'Sucked For Luck' the Texans implosion might actually be beneficial in the long term. 

Your Coach:

Bill O'Brien, a man who walked into the most impossible situation in NCAA football since Marshall all those years ago and yet somehow made the team competent and respectable. The Marshall situation isn't a perfect comparison by any means as the destruction of Penn State came not through a horrible accident but by a disgusting culture which lead to the cover-up of unspeakable crimes. After that job, faced with a still-rabid fanbase whose expectations seemingly did not diminish by the reality facing them, coming into 2-14 must seem like a vacation.

Your Quarterback:

As a general rule, if I don't have anything nice to say, I'm not going to say anything at all. Whomever winds up taking the majority of snaps this season — and lord knows who that will be — will at least have some weapons around him. Andre Johnson and a hopefully healthy Arian Foster can make your life as a quarterback easier. Provided you aren't repeatedly tossing the rock to the opposing team or dropping it on the ground.

Note: Again, I'm not going to rate your fantasy players. If I were good enough to do that, I'd be making money off of fantasy and not writing columns. In lieu of that:

Why Your Homerism Might Be Legit:

J.J. Watt will now be paired with Jadeveon "No one knows how to correctly pronounce my first name" Clowney, who, when he's not having his effort questioned by some keyboard warrior/hot take specialist, is a terrifyingly good player. If the Texans are playing against a large quantity of backup quarterbacks because these two are beating the souls out of them, it's going to be a lot easier to be competitive this year. Also as much dismay at the Texans decision not to go after a more stable individual under center is causing, pairing that duo together for the next few years and then finding a solid quarterback this offseason might be the better long-term move for a franchise whose window on offense is getting tight, but whose window in a dominant defense just got thrown wide open. And who knows, maybe somebody on the team is an effective enough game manager to capitalize on the opportunities this defense will give them. Lastly, at the end of the day, at least you're not Dallas. 

Here's a clip to make you want the season to start immediately.

Again, feel free to post comments supporting — or trolling — below. The Bataan Death March of Homerism continues tomorrow with the Indianapolis Colts.