The Homer's Guide To The 2014 New York Jets

Created on Aug. 29, 2014 5:07 AM EST

My Twitter feed is currently people mocking the President's suit —  because that's what's really important about this press conference — people complaining about Instagram being down — because heaven forbid we're all delayed in posting pictures of our brunch — and all of them are missing the biggest story of the day:

A panda faking pregnancy to score more food? A panda faking pregnancy to score more food.

I love everything about that story: pandas get so worshiped around the world that it's ridiculous. It's nice to know that they can be as devious and self-centered as a human being. You adorable little liars. You're like toddlers.

Also happening as I write: College Football has kicked off! WOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!! Except that I can't watch it because I live in a part of the country where our cable provider is a monopoly that cannot be challenged because they're too poltically powerful and they decided they don't care about my hapiness as a consumer. I will not mention the name of this company for legal reasons, but I just want to say, for the record, that they are the worst and I hate them with passion that is enough to light the Ninth Circle of Hell. And their boss looks like a panda.

Alright, back at it with our take on Drew Magary's "Why Your Team Sucks" columns. Oh, wait, we're doing the Jets? And I have to be positive. Ugh.


The Team:

The New York Jets. It took me five minutes of pacing around and staring at this screen before I wrote anything. That's the Jets in a nutshell. I have no idea what to make of them. In theory, they upgraded their offense and their defense will always be good under Rexy, but I just have no idea what they are. In the early years under Rex, I know that they ran the ball and played great defense. They still play good defense, but their corners are suspect and what, precisely is happening at the quarterback position is more confusing than a Dennis Miller reference-infused rant from his old HBO days, before he snapped.

2013 Record:

8-8. Yet it somehow felt deeply satisfying at times. It's got to be an odd feeling to be a die-hard Jet fan now. I know, because I used to be one.

Michael Vick might have been the last straw, but it also might have been something else.It might have been my love of RedZone. It might have been my employment here looking at the entire league. It might have been how often I've lived places that weren't New York. It might have been that the Jets don't really play in New York. I don't know what the final straw was or the final break was — Tebow didn't help — but I noticed something rather profound last season and it has carried over to the present: I don't care what the Jets are doing.

Now to be clear, I care in the abstract. I care in the sense that there could be a column out of it. But as a fan, as someone who put a scrapbook together as a 14-year-old while braving the elements every weekend and going to the Meadowlands for every home game for years, as someone who other people would ask "What do you think about the Jets?" and would anticipate urbane answers for years, I'm dead. I don't follow it anymore. My fandom died. And I don't know why. But I remember it being fun. I remember every time the Jets being good as a fantastic surprise. I remember the expectation yearly of 8-8. I remember the great fun of 1998 and 2009 and 2010. I enjoyed every bit of it. I'm just numb to it now.

Your Coach:

Rex Ryan is the second most successful Jets head coach in history. Period. I don't care if you don't like the bluster, or the weird foot stuff, or the cursing on his way to get that snack, he's a brilliant defensive tactician, a great motivator and if he'd just get a good offensive coordinator and leave that person alone, he'd be flawless. He's second in Jets history only behind Weeb Eubank. And if he sticks around a bit longer and this team improves and he actually gets consistently good quarterback play, he can move to number one.

Your Quarterback:

Geno Smith, apparently. In the offseason, the Jets brought in The Puppy Killer to try to mentor/push Smith, yet at the same time saying that Smith was the starter all along so there would be no competition and then leaking it to the press that they were upset that there was no competition. That's the most Jets sentence ever written. Odds The Puppy Killer plays at some point this year? 100 percent.

Why Your Homerism Might Be Legit:

There is always noise. Yet you're still rooting. There is always a circus. Yet you're still rooting. There is always dysfunction. Yet you're still rooting. There's always that jerk in the office who roots for the Giants and has seen actual championships. Yet you're still rooting. You get up every Sunday, put some gel in your hair and get ready for gridlock on the roads and public transportation, even though you're often disappointed. Your homerism is legit. You've managed to maintain it. I, on the other hand, have not.

Again, feel free to post comments supporting — or trolling — below. The death march of homerism continues with whichever AFC East team Drew Magary says sucks next. Have a brilliant weekend.

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