The Homer's Guide To The 2014 Oakland Raiders

Created on Aug. 19, 2014 4:55 AM EST

We used to go to Blockbuster. Then because "I can't even" be asked to spend an extra five minutes of time to go to a special video/DVD rental store, some enterprising individual came up with Redbox because it was near our groceries of beer and cigarettes, thus convenient. Then, because "I can't even" be asked to look for DVDs at a place I'm going to go to anyway, we now sit on our entitled asses and stream everything from our couch. Why? Because some enterprising individual came up with Netflix and HBO GO. I don't know how they'll cater to our next batch of laziness in this regard, but someone who does is going to make a lot of money on it. There are real, actual consequences to this, like the countless jobs — jobs not just for high school kids, but actual jobs for people who work as managers and who transport the videos ... not to mention whoever it was that was assigned to be a jerk to me about my late fees — that don't exist anymore in our freelancebased economy.    

So what I'm saying is: invest in us getting lazier. It's the safest bet out there. Alright, managed to refer to Drew Magary ideas twice in this opener. New record. Time to dive into another edition of his brilliant "Why Your Team Sucks" columns.  


The Team:

The Oakland Raiders who, for my money, have the best uniforms in the NFL. Look at these bad boys. They're shiny and awesome and inspire fear and make me think of Star Wars movies all at once. I don't know why everyone fawns all over the San Diego Chargers' powder blue when you've got these here rocking our world.   

2013 Record:

4-12 which, frankly surprised me. From all the doom and gloom, I did not think you won that many games. So what happened as a result of the doom and gloom? You went out and went into a free agent frenzy. Justin Tuck, Maurice Jones-Drew, Lamarr Woodley and Carlos Rogers are now here, which makes the team interesting in that these are familiar names and Pro Bowlers. The $64,000 question is whether they'll be that or a lesser version of that. Since we're going for optimism here, even if it's "Are you high?" kind of optimism, let's say this: on paper, you're better than you have been since Carson Palmer was your quarterback. By the way, I am not high, which distinguishes me from the majority of Raiders fans.   

Your Coach:

Witness Protection Program participant Dennis Allen. Allen is unique in Raiders history in that he's a defensive-minded coach.This is mildly disturbing because the Oakland defense was rather atrocious last year, and you're in a division with three good-to-amazing quarterbacks that you have to play twice each. Hopefully some of the fresh blood on the team will fit the scheme Allen wants to run, which is predicated on creating turnovers rather than causing three-and-outs.   

Your Quarterback:

Matt Schaub, who is a definite improvement over the raw Terrell Pryor. Any time there's a new quarterback, we as fans feel optimistic. This year the Raiders went for two in Schaub and quarterback-in-waiting Derek Carr. I'm sure we'll see Carr get some snaps at some point this season and, just as Jacksonville is excited about their new guy, the good folks in the Black Hole have every reason to be excited about both of these guys. And for a new season of cosplay.    

Why Your Homerism Might Be Legit:

You should have improved play at the quarterback position, which is a cure for lots of what ails you. You also have an awesome fanbase that brings it every week, a bunch of new players to cheer for and, lets face it, the team might not be here next season, so enjoy a potential last chance to tailgate with your buddies. Part of what fandom is, and what makes it so beautiful, is the sense of community that can help you fight off loneliness. You've got some beautiful, drunken, costumed memories from this team. This might be your last chance to create more. Relish it.

Again, feel free to post comments supporting — or trolling — below. The Bataan Death March of Homerism continues tomorrow with the Denver Broncos

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