The Homer's Guide To The 2014 Philadelphia Eagles

Sep 03, 2014 5:13 AM EST

When did we all become awful? Really, I'm being serious. The thesis of this column is a counter to Drew Magary's brilliantly written "Why Your Team Sucks" columns because, at the heart of Drew and his amazing writing, is fan self-loathing and a refusal to ever be happy. And that's just wrong. It's not good for your mental health and it's a denial of reality. You wake up on Sunday and you hope your team wins that day. That's it.

We used to celebrate division championships and entries into the playoffs. We recognized that it was difficult to do and we were appreciative when it happened. Now, every season that isn't a Super Bowl win is thrown away like a meal the waiter spit on in front of you. Why? When did we get convinced, as a society, that this was an acceptable expectation? When did the "Ricky Bobby If you're not first your last" nonsense become what we all agree on? Because whoever was responsible for that is an asshat and should be beaten with kayak paddles.

I'm not an "Everyone gets a trophy and an orange slice" type guy, but it would be nice if we were all less miserable. Seriously. This is not that hard. You have a favorite team. You want them to win each time they take the field. They take the field 16 times. If you are lucky enough to be emotionally invested in a team that makes you happy 10 or more times that season, you're incredibly lucky. You've been satisfied for the time you've invested. Then, when the playoffs start you are one of the few teams that can win a championship. Only one fanbase gets to hoist a trophy. Which means that every team that enjoyed its regular season will end its year in pain. But it's good pain. It's a pain that comes from achievement. Don't be resentful of it. Embrace it. Teams that lose in the playoffs have given you joy for extended months.

That's the point of this series. That's the reason I've been writing. Your team doesn't suck. Stop hating yourself. Enjoy this season, because the opposite is not having football. That is what is truly painful.  

Last take on Drew's last column. Thanks for reading.


The Team:

The Philadelphia Eagles. Man are you guys fun to watch. It's like an episode of Top Gear where the guys get a car and show what it can really do. That's Chip Kelly's offense. It's brilliant. You guys are making Mark Sanchez look good. I repeat, you guys are making Mark Sanchez look good.

2013 Record:

10-6 and NFC East Champions. My two fantasy drafts are happening tonight and I want Shady McCoy more than I value several of my internal organs. The points you guys are gonna score against Dallas and Washington this year. The things you're going to do to those defenses would be deemed too filthy for a porn site.

Your Coach:

Chip Kelly

Your Quarterback:

Nick Foles. I'm on the record as saying that this year is probably a regression for you guys, mostly because it is incomprehensible that Foles only throws two picks all year again. But then again, a regression to whom? It's not gonna be Dallas, you'll score 80 points on them before the crowd sips its first beer. Is it the team in Washington? Is that defense going to step up? Is RGIII finally ready to play again? The Giants? The division is terrible, so it is clearly winnable as long as Foles doesn't completely turn into a pumpkin.

Why Your Homerism Might Be Legit:

Because you boo Santa. That's why your homerism is legit. Your team can light it up on offense, be competent on defense and be back in the playoff mix in a division which changes winners more than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends. The points! The points! You might actually have Mark Sanchez in there and have him look good! That's how good your offense is! Points!

Again, feel free to post comments supporting — or trolling — below. The homerism is now concluded until next year. Tomorrow, look for your first installment of your NFL Field Guide. We're back.