The Homer's Guide To The 2014 San Diego Chargers

Aug 15, 2014 5:08 AM EST

In the past week, the good folks at Jezebel have elucidated all of us to a horrific problem they've been having at their site, which has apparently spread to other sites. I love Jezebel as a site and admire the writers there. I am also envious of how gifted many of them are. So, in solidarity with their site and in admiration of them, I am now announcing the following:

If you want to put a reprehensible comment on a story, do it here. This is not clickbait, but an honest attempt to get trolls to troll me. You useless, anonymous asshats are the worst thing about the internet, which is actually an amazing venue for connecting people. Sign in to fake names. Post graphic stuff. Be the awful people that you are. Just do it here and leave writers with actual talent alone. You see, the people who write for Jezebel actually have talent. I'm just a golden retriever who pounds out a column. So your graphic and horrible imagry won't really affect me much. If you want to continue being the vile and useless people you are and are desperate to get those repulsive things out of your system, send it here. 

Lastly, if I ever stumble upon an actual human who drunkenly admits to having internet muscles and sending a "rape gif" to someone, I hereby ask the staff of Jezebel to affirm that I was at your apartment at the time of the assault.

Alright, that bit of business dealt with, time to talk some football and Drew Magary's "Why Your Team Sucks" series.


The Team:

The San Diego Chargers. Wouldn't you rather be in San Diego right now? I'd rather be in San Diego right now. It's almost always 82 degrees and sunny every single day. Who wouldn't want to live like that? Sure, California has horrific natural disasters on occasion, but San DIego seems to always duck them. San Diego has the gaslamp quarter and Comic Con and everyone seems like they're wearing a bathing suit all the time and never at work. How could you not love that? You know who doesn't love that? Al-Qaeda

2013 Record:

9-7. Caring about the San Diego Chargers regular season is usually a pointless endeavor. When Marty Schottenheimer was the head coach they'd have dominant regular seasons and then lose in the playoffs as soon as they possibly could. When Norv Turner was the head coach they'd slack their way into the playoffs and then make a ton of noise when they got in. Now under Mike McCoy, who almost everyone has to Google, they are much the same. Surfer boy cool. They also now have Manti Te'o.

Your Coach:

Witness protection program participant Mike McCoy. Fun facts: McCoy played quarterback with the Amsterdam Admirals of NFL Europe and the Calgary Stampeders of the Canadian Football League. I really respect people with well-stamped passports. Does anyone else remember NFL Europe? I actually liked watching those games at 2 a.m. The bemused look on the fans who were not U.S. military members stationed abroad really complimented the games. 

Your Quarterback:

Philip Rivers, who some claim is among the smartest quarterbacks in the NFL. Rivers had a great bounce back year in 2013 under McCoy and then offensive coordinator Ken Whisenhunt. Rivers is a top-10 quarterback in the league. He should continue to play like one. San Diego fans, not only do you have fantastic weather, but you've got a pigskin thrower that other teams salivate over the way people on elipticals salivate over the Food Network when it's playing at the gym. When you have that, your team's always have hope. And hope is a precious thing

Why Your Homerism Might Be Legit:

Other than the Denver Broncos, you are objectively better than everyone else in your division. You live in one of the most glorious places in North America. You have a good-to-great quarterback. You are fun to watch. Even though there are people who resent you because you're the kid who never shows up to class and then aces the final exam, you are the kid who can never show up to class and then ace the final exam. It's awesome to be that. People are jealous of you for that. You remind people that the NFL regular season — while we all love it and are addicted to it and for godsake let it start soon — is the most overrated thing in sports. It isn't college football where one loss can break a season. Teams like San Diego that sneak into the playoffs with 9-7 records win championships all the time. I frankly expect you to do it at some point, just to troll everyone. 

Again, feel free to post comments supporting — or trolling — below. The Bataan Death March of Homerism continues tomorrow with the Kansas City Chiefs.