The Homer's Guide To The 2014 Seattle Seahawks

Created on Aug. 25, 2014 5:29 AM EST

Like many a column, blog posts are thought of as good for the short-term but historically useless. I obviously think there is more to them than that. Blogs, at their best, entertain and potentially educate and the idea that there are still people who turn their nose up to them shows that people are stupid and overly obsessed with implementing class systems in every phase of life, be it personal, financial or professional. 

These are the same people who obsess over Pulitzer Prizes. Now, for hard news reporting these awards make total sense. What's going on in Ferguson right now or the Middle East? Those guys deserve all the praise and boot licking they can get from all of us. But odds are, those aren't the people who'd turn their nose up at a blog.

It's the people who contend for the Pulitzer Prize for Commentary.

That there are actually Pulitzer Prizes for commentary — usually won by someone so insufferable you wouldn't want to have dinner with them — is mind-boggling to me. A brief overview of past winners and finalists confirms my thesis. Also, these people give awards for commentary and for criticism. That is next-level pretentious. Actual statement on a nominee:  

"For his eloquent and passionate essays on art and the social forces that underlie it, a critic who always strives to make his topics and targets relevant to readers."

Get bent.

Listen, I know that journalism and writing are, as a profession that pays you a livable wage, absolutely dead and that's tragic. It's tragic, both for me personally because that's what I love to do, and tragic for us as a society as it joins many other professions where rich people don't have to pay money for a service because it's being done by losers like me for free or by a skeletal staff of overworked office monkeys who are terrified of losing their job. But seriously, some of you old media types take yourselves way to seriously. Every single one of those people who've been nominated for a "criticism award" is not that much different than me: they're keyboard warriors looking for jokes or subjects to write about because of the passionate and intense narcissism it takes to make anyone think that someone else should read them.   

Speaking of that, here's our response — really love hearing the sound of my own voice that much, vomit — to Drew Magary's brilliant "Why Your Team Sucks" column.  


The Team:

The Seattle Seahawks. I mentioned earlier that I lived in Scotland for a year and loved it there. Seattle is basically as Scottish as we get here in the U.S. from a climate and green perspective, except that Seattle is obsessed with coffee and not whiskey and Seattle is therefore wrong. But everything else pretty much lines up nicely. Obsessed with soccer? Check. Lots of rain and stuff? Check. Very distinct areas that have the grunge feel to them? Check. So, Seattle work on the whiskey angle and you're a perfect Edinburgh substitute. Oh, and the kilts. Get on the kilts, Seattle.  

Your Coach:

Surfer dude Pete Carroll. Every time I see Pete Carroll, he is inevitably wet. Stereotypes are often wrong and intellectually lazy, but damn it if every one of them about Seattle isn't true. Carroll actually seems to enjoy himself out there, unlike most coaches who look like they're going to die on the sideline, and he also seems like he lets the players have a good time. Those are good qualities to have. Plus, if you're a 9/11 truther, you've found your favorite NFL head coach. You're welcome.  

Your Quarterback:

Single and ready to mingle Russell Wilson. Is it me or do those really, really early marriages never work? Anyway, Wilson is what Johnny Football hopes to one day become: a strong-armed quarterback that buys enough time for his wideouts to get open and make a play. He's also cheap, for now, and has that incredible defense to bail him out of jams. Oh, also Marshawn Lynch. It would be nice to get some more playmakers around him, because eventually we're going to have to give up on the notion that Percy Harvin is anything other than the Dwyane Wade of the NFL. I'm told there's a dude named Richard Sherman on the team. Never heard of him.

Why Your Homerism Might Be Legit:

You are the defending Super Bowl champions with a young team and that incredibly loud friggin stadium filled with over-caffeinated individuals who pride themselves on being that way. Your homerism is completely legit. Even the allegedly obnoxious aspects of your homerism that Drew pointed out are completely legit. There is no point in being a sports fan if you can't enjoy winning. Enjoy it. Be the jerk I want to be. Embrace it. Revel in it. Hey, it even rains enough that you'll likely be able to perform this scene from "The Shawshank Redemption" every Sunday!  

Again, feel free to post comments supporting — or trolling — below. The death march of homerism continues with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

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