The Homer's Guide To The 2014 Team In Washington

Created on Sept. 03, 2014 5:57 AM EST

I don't really read novels. I like reading history and biography, because they're harder to believe. Also, they help you dominate Jeopardy! gatherings and that's awesome. But I did fall in love with the idea of one. I haven't read it, I haven't had time to read it, I've been too busy writing and trying to be interesting enough to read. But my favorite, yes even more than Downton Abbey, British Drama was an adaptation of the novel "Any Human Heart."

I like the thesis. We don't all stay one person throughout our lives. We change constantly. I am not the same person I was at 18. He was thinner and even more arrogant (I know, you'd shoot him on sight). I'm not the same person I was at 25. He was way too concerned with what other people thought. He also thought about the future constantly and I've learned that there is no point to that. The future just happens and your job is to react to it. To steal a theme from the novel referenced above: Life is about luck. The good luck and the bad luck and how you play it. I've had both and that will continue until the final game.

I don't know when the final game is; my history suggests that I will die both young and violently. But I'm not that young any more. And I don't do much that suggests I'll be in the way of violence. But I do drive a car so that's where my money would be. I'll be unlucky one day taking my life in my hands on these horrible roads on this place. Or, as my grandfather says: "It will be some woman's husband."

Blah blah blah, Drew Magary wrote a column, TLDR.


The Team:

It's located in Washington and has pull in Maryland, Virginia and West Virginia. It has a name that sucks and an owner that sucks and a history of owners that suck and anything Magary says in his column is true. I'm not putting lipstick on this hog. Blow your own smoke up your own bacon. It's not like you haven't bought the prospects.

2013 Record:

3-13. God you were a trainwreck. You were like a 2007 Britney Spears.

Your Coach:

Oh, a new guy! You got rid of that last incompetent ... oh, wait this is Washington, you do this all the time.

Your Quarterback:

Sir Robert Griffin The Third. There is a pretend controversy because a large portion of your fanbase feels more comfortable with a white quarterback, but the guy here is RGIII. If he's healthy and the guy we saw in 2012, then man is this going to be a fun year. That 2012 RGIII was someone to write home about. He was smart, fast, made good choices and everything you'd want in your quarterback. You were relevant for the first time in 20 years. Then, he got ruined by bad management in his NFL life and his commercial life. Here's hoping he got fixed this offseason.

Why Your Homerism Might Be Legit:

Having a bad owner is like having a bad parent and being a toddler. Nothing you can do about it. You just hope that jackass is in a good mood an occasionally stumbles into something you enjoy. That's your life as a fan of this team. I have nothing but empathy for you. Yes, there is a history and whatnot, but that isn't enough to sustain you year by year. What you want is to be relevant. If RGIII is healthy, you are. Your division is trash. You can and should be in the playoffs again and explosive on offense. You deserve it. Just make sure your owner doesn't drink too much Crown Royal again.

Again, feel free to post comments supporting — or trolling — below. I know you won't! The death march of homerism continues with the New York Giants.